


Wallowing Fish

by Lan_Weiying



Category: Mo Dao Zu Shi, 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Other, wei wuxian needs love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23192857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lan_Weiying/pseuds/Lan_Weiying
Summary: Product of anxiety attack and inspired by the song of 西瓜JUN. A lonely Wei Wuxian.
Relationships: Jiang Family - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Wallowing Fish

_You should have not attended Wei Wuxian_  
_You should have stayed home, no one is missing you here_  
_You worthless piece of shit_  
_You should have not existed_  
_They don’t deserve someone useless as you_

Those words keep on ringing inside my head. I felt the cold sweats running down my forehead. My throat seems clogged and I could not utter any words. My heart is filled with fear and I feel like passing out any moment. The tears are threatening to fall as I gazed on the other table.

I am seeing how my adopted family is happily chatting the progress of their lives.  
I see how my brother Jiang Cheng brags about my nephew who is celebrating his birthday right now.  
I see how happy my sister Yanli is with her significant one.

And here I am, still lost and feeling the anxiety creeps out every fiber of my being.

I chugged all the feelings down and plastered a smile on my face. I don’t want them to see me deteriorating. It will give them more shame.

_Your adoptive mom doesn’t even care about you_  
_They don’t want you here Wuxian_  
_You are just a nobody and a trash for them_  
_They should have not found you back then_  
_You are a bad luck_  
_Get up and leave you are not needed here_  
_Your presence disgust them too much so they don’t talk to you_  
_You should have listen and not interrupted this gathering_

I stand up from where I was seated and drank the last of my water. I have to get out of this hall before I can’t feel my legs anymore. I am seeing black spots already. I have to get out now.

I went to the other table and felt all eyes that looked on my direction.  
“Madam, I’m leaving. Thank you for inviting me, I’ll get going now” I said as I looked on the floor. I just can’t bear to see those hatred in her eyes again.  
“TOO SOON? Okay. Good. Go home safely and TAKE CARE” she replied to me and as she speak, the words felt like daggers stabbing my heart. Too soon, she meant I should have left earlier. Take care means don’t show my face to them until they say so. I kept my eyes glued to the ground and bowed. I still kept my gazed downwards as I left the hall.

I need to get out of here fast. I can feel my cheeks becoming wet. I did not mean to go here, my sister asked me so I could not refused her.

_You’re a disgrace_  
_You are nothing but another mouth to feed again_  
_You should have kept your distance and never came back_

I’m sorry. I just wanted to see my family for the last time. I’m sorry I should have listened to you. I’m sorry I’m such a failure. I’m sorry I don’t deserve to live.

Inside my car, I could feel my body trembled. Sobs started filling the silence inside the small space. I closed my eyes and remember how I became like this.

_I was abandoned by my biological parents._

_How servants took care of me because my adoptive parents does not want me._

_How I was beaten up by my adoptive mother because I was praised by other people as I excelled in our school exams._

_When I kneeled for one day because I protected my sister from harm._

_How I entered college pursuing the path they wanted me to pursue in hopes of making them proud and hearing their acknowledgement._

_When I was thrown out of our home for being gay._

_When I tried them asking for help because I had an accident and almost lost my own life._

_How I strived to become what I am now to gain their approval as a family member._

_But all was futile and up until now, I was just another trash to be thrown away._

“I’m tired. Let’s stop now, let’s stop the pain already please”  
I drove back to my place and head towards my bedroom. I took out the envelope I’ve been keeping for some time now. I knew that this day will come and if by doing this, will make my own family happy and lift the burden in their shoulder, I will do it again and again.  
I need to do this. A human being also have limitations when it comes to pain. This is my last straw. The only resort that Wei Wuxian have to keep his sanity.  
I started packing my belongings and took out the letters I’ve written for my family and few friends. I need to die in order for them to live without regrets. My existence is the least they wanted to feel.

I walked back to my car and put my belongings in the trunk. I drove until I saw the cliff I’ve been wanting to be the last place I will taint with my presence.

I could not think of anything more but the anticipated pain and relief. I need to be nothing in order to be something again. I need to die in order to live again.

_I slowly hear the water becoming close._  
_I hear the people shouting._  
_I hear the waves hitting my car._  
_I hear the window’s breaking and felt the tug in my heart._  
_I heard the sirens wailing._

_I opened my eyes and look at the water, goodbye to you my past whom experienced how cruel the world is. I hope you have learned the lesson life wants you to remember. I wish you will live your next life with happiness. I wish that you will find your worth and experience how to be normal once again._

_I wish that you won’t experience any nightmare that will keep you awake at night._  
_I wish that you could light up the lights in your room again without having second thoughts._  
_I wish that tears won’t visit you often._  
I wish that you can pursue what you want without holding yourself back.  
_I wish that you will have the kind mornings and joyous noon._  
_Nights that will help you forget the life and death you have experienced._

_You are but a wallowing fish but you can turn thousands of boats now._  
_Pierce through the water and clouds, through pain and enlightenment._

_No regrets this time. No fear and despair._  
_Swim with the waves of life without looking back to the pain that made you drown today._  
_You are but a wallowing fish and yet you have created another bubble of life without holding yourself back._

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a product of my imagination and perhaps there is a touch of reality. Thank you so much for reading this up until here.


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